What is Will Thinking

Bloodninja

2008-04-30T18:32:00.002Z

I noticed that these classic Bloodninja transcripts have been disappearing from the net lately, so I thought I'd make a post to keep them in circulation, or at least provide me with a place to easily find them...

Enjoy..

Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---------------

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the ****?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate: F**k

------------------

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an s**t?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. B**ch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

-------

Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don't f**k with me biznitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?

----------------

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f**king charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: F**k am I hard now.

----------------------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f**k, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh s**t
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f((k up.
eminemBNJA: Oh s((t
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

------------

sweet17: Hi
Bloodninja: hello
Bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
Bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
Bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
Bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
Bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
Bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
Bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
Bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
Bloodninja: Don't f**king laugh at me!
Bloodninja: This s**t is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
Bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a f**king break
Bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
Bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
Bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
Bloodninja: It's kind of embarrasing.
Bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
Bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are f**king sick.
Bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
Bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
Bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
Bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
Bloodninja: Hurry up.
Bloodninja: Are you there?
Bloodninja: F**k you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
Bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
Bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
Bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
Bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A F**KING COP YOU A**HOLE!
Bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
Bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
Bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
Bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
Bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
Bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
Bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
Bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
Bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
Bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
Bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
Bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go f**k yourself
Bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
Bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
Bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
Bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
Bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: F((K YOU!!!
Bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a F**KING A**HOLE!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
Bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
Bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
Bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
Bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
Bloodninja: Wait a sec
Bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
Bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
Bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
Bloodninja: You heard me.
Bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
Bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
Bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
Bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
Bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
Bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
Bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
Bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
Bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
Bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
Bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
Bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
Bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Bloodninja: ok?
Bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
Bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
Bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
Bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
Bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
Bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
Bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
Bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
Bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth c**t.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
Bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
Bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
Bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
Bloodninja: I softly suck on your cl*t bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
Bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
Bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
Bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
Bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
Bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
Bloodninja: ...still limp
Bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your a**hole.
Bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
Bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
Bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A F**KING PYSCHO!!
Bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Bloodninja: And turn you into a f**king candy apple...
Bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: F**K YOU A**HOLE!!
Bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
Bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
Bloodninja: ...going limp again.
Bloodninja: Hello?
Bloodninja: Say it!
Bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

---------------------------------

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

-----------------------------

I.F.: You ready yet? Im bearing to go!
SexyKarla17: Yhea im slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?
I.F.: a Kodiac bear
SexyKarla17: ?
I.F.: Im soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me
SexyKarla17: Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair, kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach
I.F.: I growl to warm you my cubs are near
SexyKarla17: huh?
I.F.: Bears get f**kin pumped when anyone is near their cubs
Sexkarla17: yhea hehe dont be silly..
SexyKarla17: I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.
I.F.: Bears dont wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now
SexyKarla17: hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for you to start licking it off me slowly
I.F.: I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and walking towards you
I.F.: I Growl again, and start to bite you
SexyKarla17: Yhea that feels good..ooooo...not too hard now
I.F.: I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play with you like a ragdoll.
SexyKarla17: what the f**k?
I.F.:uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and im spent.

------------------------------------

I.F.: My s**t is hard you ready to jump aboard?
1hOttYeVe: oh yea im so wet right now
I.F.: Why you just shower?
1hOttYeVe: no im wet for you
I.F.: Did you ever play with supersoakers when you were a kid? or that gator s**t you would dive and slide down, there was that badass pool at the end of it.
1hOttYeVe: What the f**k are you talking about? You wanna cyber or not?
I.F.: I do! Sorry...I just didnt know why you were wet...then you say your wet for me, and im thinking I didnt even throw water on you...
I.F.: Im sorry lets continue!
1hOttYeVe: alright then...I walk over to you and start kissing your neck and chest
I.F.: I pop like 16 boners
1hOttYeVe: what the f**k!
I.F.: what?

---------------------------------

Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh s**t, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only f**k women...
J-Dogg: S**it just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
Partner6: You dips**t.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...
J-Dogg: please don't shoot me Mr.

---------------------------------------

J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.
Partner8: Who the f**k are you?
J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:
J-Dogg: F**k me, F**k me.
J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.
Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?
J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
Partner8: Is that like cancer?
J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don't have the technology of chemotherapy.
Partner8: Good one romeo.
J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you think it must be taking over your mind, theres nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.

The salmon swim at night.
Towards your room.
The snow and the moon.

Partner8: that was never a haiku.
J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Withought my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
Partner8: That made even less sense than your "haiku"
J-Dogg: So you ready to f**k then?
Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.
J-Dogg: ...
Partner8: ?
J-Dogg: I'm spent.

-------------------------

Jdogg: Hey
QT-Pie: Hey
Jdogg: whats goin on
QT-Pie: Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg: Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie: what does that mean?
Jdogg: what are you wearing?
QT-Pie: T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg: Garter belt?
QT-Pie: Ummm...no.
Jdogg: Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg: Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your p*ssy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg: You leave everything to Jdogg.
Jdogg: I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie: This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.

Was the matrix created by AS400 fuckers?

2008-03-14T15:23:00.005Z

Earlier one of our "senior programmers" exhibited some thinking that seemed familiar. If you've ever seen the trilogy The Matrix, as most computer nerdy types have, you'll know what I mean when I mention the reasoning of a machine.

The Matrix is run by the machines, which typically adopt an arcane management style that lacks intuition and true understanding. For example, when digging deep into the earth to reach the last human city of Zion, the machines send one killing machine for each man, woman, and child in Zion. Such is the thinking of a machine.

This morning, a "senior programmer" was troubleshooting a problem according to a specific set of steps put forth in a document, and came to a step that required a login. The guy didn't have a login and the guys who wrote the documentation are both out today so he asked a couple people who he thought might know. They didn't, so he walked around to ask every single person in the office. Such is the thinking of a "senior programmer", aka an AS400 fucker.

I got off on a goofy train of thought that started with the similarities between the matrix and AS400s (both UIs are black with green characters, for example). I started an AIM chat with a non-AS400 fucker coworker that turned out to be pretty funny. Names have been changed to protect those involved.

[09:55] me: I think he's going to ask everyone in the building
[09:55] JavaCoworker: hahahahaha!!!
[09:55] me: nice
[09:55] me: it's like the matrix
[09:55] me: he thinks like a machine would
[09:55] JavaCoworker: hahahhahaha
[09:55] JavaCoworker: i almost spat tea all over my desk
[09:55] me: hahaha
[09:55] me: weird thought -
[09:56] me: I wonder if the makers of the matrix made it black with green characters for a reason
[09:56] me: hmmmmm
[09:56] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[09:56] JavaCoworker: maybe
[09:57] JavaCoworker: course, i can't imagine an as400 powering the matrix
[09:57] me: if you think about it, it makes sense
[09:57] me: by all measures except for logical human thinking
[09:57] me: the AS400 outperforms almost every other platform in stuff like CPS
[09:57] me: instructions processed
[09:57] me: junk like that
[09:58] me: so maybe the architect of the matrix read a computer magazine and took that into account
[09:58] me: without incorporating logical human thinking that a billion instructions processed each second
[09:59] me: doesn't count for much if you have to run 15 layers of emulators to get a working application
[09:59] me: hmmmm
[09:59] JavaCoworker: that's good stuff right there
[09:59] me: it totally makes sense
[09:59] me: wow
[10:00] me: this is like something you'd think about if you were stoned or something
[10:00] JavaCoworker: are you stoned?
[10:00] me: pretty sure I'm not
[10:00] me: unless fumes from my truck are narcotic
[10:00] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[10:00] me: possible
[10:00] JavaCoworker: i feel pretty happy after driving the bug
[10:00] JavaCoworker: and it has some pretty potent fumes
[10:00] me: yup
[10:01] me: maybe you're only understanding it because you are stoned
[10:01] JavaCoworker: maybe we're both stoned
[10:02] me: this is going in the blog post, if I make one
[10:02] JavaCoworker: totally
[10:02] JavaCoworker: "was a stoned as400fukker responsible for the matrix?"
[10:02] JavaCoworker: "is the architect a stoned as400fukker?"
[10:02] me: valid questions, after a bit of thought
[10:03] me: unable to balance equations
[10:03] me: lots of glitches
[10:03] me: can't get basic rules like gravity and physics right
[10:03] JavaCoworker: had to use all those fancy words
[10:03] me: yup
[10:04] me: would that make AS400FuckerX and AS400FuckerY agents?
[10:04] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[10:05] JavaCoworker: maybe like an alpha version
[10:05] JavaCoworker: because i know i could totally take them out
[10:05] me: yeah
[10:05] JavaCoworker: hey!!!!
[10:05] me: one of the less competent ones
[10:05] JavaCoworker: maybe AS400FuckerX's constant blinking is a glitch in an early agent version
[10:05] me: hahahaha
[10:06] me: hey
[10:06] me: maybe FormerAS400FuckerX and FormerAS400FuckerY are like
[10:06] me: the orphans first pulled from the matrix
[10:06] me: just starting to realize what the real world's like
[10:06] JavaCoworker: hmmmmm
[10:08] JavaCoworker: but they keep going back into the matrix
[10:08] me: yeah
[10:08] JavaCoworker: course, i guess all the orphans kept going back too
[10:08] me: maybe they're more like cipher in the first one
[10:08] JavaCoworker: but they went back to defeat it, not to fix it
[10:08] JavaCoworker: maybe
[10:08] me: what about ClosetAS400FuckerZ? (*note - he works in the real world occasionally, but he's awful at both the new stuff and the AS400 fucker stuff. If you look up "passive aggressive" in the dictionary, there would be a picture of ClosetAS400FuckerZ)
[10:08] me: he's evil and deep down inside he wants to go back to the way things used to be
[10:09] me: this is some funny shit
[10:09] JavaCoworker: dude... ClosetAS400FuckerZ is still in the matrix
[10:09] JavaCoworker: he'd never leave
[10:10] me: true
[10:11] JavaCoworker: man... this is awesome
[10:13] me: yup

Was the architect of the matrix actually an AS400 Fucker? That explains a lot.

This post is tagged iSeries, AS400, fossils, senior programmer, the Matrix, the Architect, and AS400 fuckers

The five best movie car chases of all time

2008-02-27T17:19:00.003Z

OK, settle in. This is gonna be a long post, especially if you watch all the movies.

After running across a YouTube clip from The Driver, I decided it was time to do a post that touches the heart of almost every car guy or girl: car chases. I have no idea why movies today don’t have good car chase scenes. I think a lot of the problem is that modern CGI technology gives moviemakers an easy way to fake the incredible stunts that helped make older movies with car chases so great. Call it The Matrix Effect.

Anyway, here are my top five best car chases of all time, in reverse order:

5.) The Seven-Ups

Summary:
This is one of the coolest car chases in a movie that not a lot of folks have seen. The ending was especially good on this one, and car chase endings are a sticky point for me.

Memories:
Does anyone else my age (mid 30s) have memories of riding around in those giant land yachts from the early 70s with gobs of torque and big cubic inch engines? Those things practically floated on air, and the door handles nearly scraped when going around a curve because the suspension was so soft. I think those cars were purposefully engineered to put kids asleep in the back seat.

Notes:
An interesting thing to keep an eye on here is the driver of the land yacht. You’ll be seeing him again in this list. The bad guy in the passenger seat of the land yacht is obviously a rookie at getting chased. He pretty much wigs out the whole time, flailing his arms, holding on to the grab handle, and generally looking like a big wuss. Come on, bad guy. In the words of Tom Landry, act like you’ve been there before!

4.) The Blues Brothers

Summary:
One of the most classic catastrophic car chases in movie history. I think this movie wiped out every mid 70s Dodge Monaco in Illinois. It touches a pet peeve of mine for realism for the Bluesmobile being a “magic car”, but in the end it makes up for it by dropping a Ford Pinto station wagon (containing Illinois Nazis) from a height so tall the filmmakers had to get FAA certification. Looking back, it was the only humane thing to do to the Pinto.

Memories:
“It’s got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it’s got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It’s a model made before catalytic converters so it’ll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?”

Notes:
At the time of its release, this movie held the world record for number of cars crashed. In a 1998 interview for Universal, John Landis credited mob help for getting permission from the Cook County Board of Commissioners for this (alluding to the Board being mob-controlled at that time). The political outrage for the damage caused by this car chase actually caused the mayor of Chicago to lose a bid for re-election.

Part 1

Part 2

3.) The French Connection

Summary:
The car chase in this movie is groundbreaking for a couple different reasons. First off, the car isn’t chasing another car, but rather a train. Second, the car chase doesn’t take place on deserted city streets. This chase is set in a populated area with lots of traffic and pedestrians. This makes the chase a bit more real.

Memories:
Gene Hackman is an incredible actor, and The French Connection was an outstanding role for him. The groundbreaking nature of this chase bumps it up the list a notch or two.

Notes:
Anyone who’s ever played Grand Theft Auto III will recognize the overhead train track. Matter of fact, if you were to turn left at the place where Popeye sideswipes the first car and spins out, you’d be in Triad territory.

2.) Gone in Sixty Seconds

Summary:
This was an incredibly hard decision for me. I have seen this movie over 200 times, and I love the car chase. The final reason I couldn’t put this one #1 is because they used the friggin’ CGI for the very end of the chase. Short of that one thing, this car chase has everything you could want: a badass main car (1967 Mustang Shelby GT500), a swarm of cops and cop crashes (police Crown Vic meets front end loader), an incredible amount of ancillary action (keep an eye on the right side of the street when the first black and white pulls alongside Memphis in the alley), a chase through the LA aqueducts (a computer game staple), outrunning a helicopter, and a friggin’ demolition ball knocking a rent-a-cop through a building. All of a sudden my heart’s beating really fast and I’m not getting enough oxygen and I think I might pass out.

Memories:
When the wife and I saw this movie in the theater, we got into a fight on the way home because I made a comment about wanting nitrous on my Chevelle (it’s plenty fast enough to get me in trouble now). She also loves this chase scene and never fails to jump when Memphis is backing up and the passenger side mirror gets knocked off. The little kid smiling at Memphis (who flashes a smile right back) never fails to put a stupid grin on my face. Good times all around.

Notes:
This is such a monumental movie for car guys that it inspired a whole aftermarket movement for people to not only buy parts to make their Mustangs look like Eleanor, but for a while there you could actually get an Eleanor replica built specifically for you. The original car design was done by the now-famous TV car life-changer Chip Foose. There are two big uses of CGI in the final chase scene. The first was the out of control pressurized tank that flies around at the shipyard. The tank it self was real, as were the movements. The smoke was drawn in during post-production. Not a real big deal in my book. The second big use of CGI was, of course, Eleanor jumping over the accident on the Vincent Thomas Bridge. In the end, this is what keeps this from being the best car chase of all time.

Part 1:

Part 2:

1.) Bullitt

Memories:
Ford produced Bullitt edition Mustangs with the same color and wheels as this one in 2001. I remember seeing a promo clip of Chad McQueen, Steve’s son, abusing one around the streets of San Francisco. Lots of history here. It’s impossible to count how many video games I’m played that had the same San Franscisco streets race course where you jumped down the big hills that flattened out only for the cross streets. In one of my games I have for XBox, you can even drive a dark Dodge Charger. That’s a seriously influential car chase. The hitmen in the Charger kill me every time I watch this clip. These are not the hitmen of today’s movies. These are nattily dressed, crew cut-sporting, cool-headed hitmen who don’t get upset at anything. They don’t talk. Nobody’s yelling, and the gunman in the passenger seat never reaches for a grab handle. It’s a day at work for these two; and when the driver of the Charger put on his seat belt, that’s when you know something’s about to go down!

Notes:
Keep an eye on the rear wheels of the Mustang right when Steve McQueen misses a turn and has to back it up. Check out the wheelhop in reverse, and I think I see an open differential (only one wheel spinning) when he takes off back up the hill. I have absolutely no idea why this one’s not a posi. A posi would leave much cooler black marks when you spin your tires all the way up a hill. Remember that guy from #5, the driver of the land yacht? The same actor is driving the Dodge Charger in this chase scene. That guy, Bill Hickman, was James Dean’s driver in 1955 when the latter was killed after a roadside accident. Hickman, driving the Ford station-wagon and trailer that hauled Dean’s Porsche 550 Spyder, was the first on the scene when he came upon the accident.

Honorable mention:
Ronin, Diamonds are Forever, The Driver, Smokey and the Bandit, To Live and Die in LA, Vanishing Point, Matrix:Reloaded, Hooper

Extremely early NFL picks for the 07-08 season

2007-05-03T13:39:00.000Z

OK, every year Squid Dog and I make picks about our favorite NFL teams (Packers and Titans, respectively) and every year we try to remember what we picked once the season's pretty much done. We can never seem to find the email or chat transcript. This year, I'm putting up a blog post. Feel free to add a comment with your own picks.

Here's ours:

Will wrote:

Before we start making predictions again, we need to write them down or post them somewhere. How about a blog post?

Squid Dog wrote:

sounds good.

Packers:
Start at 2-6 then end up 7-9
Favre retires.

Will wrote:

Aight.

Titans have zero running game and end up 7-9 or worse. Last year's 8-8 was Vince Young AND Travis Henry.

Any other picks?

Squid Dog wrote:

Chargers end up 10-6 and miss the playoffs.

Will wrote:

Ha! Bears go 8-8. Niners go 10-6 and get into the playoffs.

Squid Dog wrote:

Nice.

Will wrote:

Everyone picks Arizona as their "sleeper" pick like they do every year.

Dolphins continue their free-fall and end up at around 5-11.

Indy goes 13-3 and gets beat on their first playoff game.

Lions go 7-9 (which is cause for celebration up there) and fire Matt Millen.

Saints go 12-4.

Texans go 4-12.

Baltimore goes 7-9.

Hmmm, what else?

Squid Dog wrote:

Nice.

Raiders end with a losing season. hahahaha.

Will wrote:

Way to go out on a limb there.

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This post is tagged NFL, picks, Packers, Titans, Raiders, Chargers, Bears, Colts, Chargers, Saints, Lions, Ravens, Texans, and Dolphins

Nike is the winner!

2007-04-17T21:41:00.000Z

Looks like Nike wins the who-can-profit-from-the-Rutgers-Imus-controversy sweepstakes.

Somehow I'm signed up to get Nike emails, and I just got this one. Nice. Congratulations, Nike. Hope the sweatshop kids get a bonus this week. Clicky-poppy for a bigger version.

To make things worse, they totally ripped off Alanis Morrissette -

Thank you dis-IL-lusion-MEEENNNT!

How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots?

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This post is tagged Nike, Imus, Rutgers, nappy headed hos, basketball, thank you, and Alanis Morrissette

A couple Star Wars posts

2007-04-13T23:26:00.000Z

OK, it's been awhile since I've been on here. Isn't it just pathetic when bloggers who basically abandon their blogs say that? Anyway, I found a couple things that made me laugh.

Number 1 - A very, very funny article I ran across: http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/nardo-design-empire.php

This is basically the email inbox of Nardo Pace, the Empire's worst engineer. Too funny!

Number 2 - A thread from Fark titled "Summarize your sex life with a Star Wars quote This was truly funny. Here are some of the best ones:

2007-04-11 01:30:36 PM Kusanagi [TotalFark]

You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.

2007-04-11 01:32:00 PM Dread Pirate Slasher [TotalFark]

Aren't you kinda short to be a stormtrooper?

2007-04-11 01:32:26 PM mildmildwest [TotalFark]

I've got a bad feeling about this

2007-04-11 01:32:33 PM Crystal Girl [TotalFark]

Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!

2007-04-11 01:32:59 PM BXRWXR [TotalFark]

She doesn't like you.

I don't like you either. You just watch yourself.

2007-04-11 01:33:03 PM Dragynwing [TotalFark]

The Force is strong with this one.

2007-04-11 01:33:19 PM rickythepenguin [TotalFark]

Yipeeeee!

2007-04-11 01:33:19 PM scallywaghotness [TotalFark]

Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?

/Too good to pass up

2007-04-11 01:33:26 PM anal brazil men [TotalFark]

"I don't know who you are or where you've come from, but from now on you'll do as I say, okay?"

2007-04-11 01:33:29 PM Admiral_John [TotalFark]

You serve your master well and are sure to be rewarded.

2007-04-11 01:33:32 PM SmoothTex [TotalFark]

"That's no moon, it's a space station!"

2007-04-11 01:33:33 PM Rev.K [TotalFark]

I know it smells bad, but it will keep you warm.

2007-04-11 01:33:41 PM Dragynwing [TotalFark]

Let the Wookie win.

2007-04-11 01:33:58 PM Dom Roark [TotalFark]

A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.

2007-04-11 01:34:06 PM Huskadoodle [TotalFark]

Don't get too cocky

2007-04-11 01:34:17 PM Dragynwing [TotalFark]

DO NOT WANT!

2007-04-11 01:34:30 PM runchkin [TotalFark]

This little one's not worth the effort. Now come, let me get you something.

2007-04-11 01:34:31 PM KarmicHoax [TotalFark]

This little one's not worth the effort

2007-04-11 01:34:35 PM UnstoppableDrew [TotalFark]

It's not my fault! They told me it was fixed !

2007-04-11 01:34:38 PM Crystal Girl [TotalFark]

"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

2007-04-11 01:34:49 PM Uberchief [TotalFark]

Yeah, but this time I've *got* the money.

2007-04-11 01:34:53 PM Dragynwing [TotalFark]

it's a trap!

2007-04-11 01:34:57 PM blessthe40oz [TotalFark]

I don't know who you are or where you've come from, but from now on you'll do as I say, okay?

2007-04-11 01:35:07 PM antisocialite [TotalFark]

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

2007-04-11 01:35:45 PM Kusanagi [TotalFark]

We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now, *I* am the master.

2007-04-11 01:35:47 PM KarmicHoax [TotalFark]

Gold Leader: It's no good down here, I can't maneuver!
Gold Five: Stay on target.
Gold Leader: *We're too close!*
Gold Five: Stay on target!
Gold Leader: [shouts] Loosen up!
Gold Five: Gold Five to Red leader, I Lost Tiree, Lost Dutch. They came from... behind!

2007-04-11 01:36:06 PM Dragynwing [TotalFark]

Impressive. Most impressive.

2007-04-11 01:36:27 PM Big Pimpin' Pappy [TotalFark]

"I used to bulls-eye womprats in my T-16 back home"

2007-04-11 01:36:35 PM Uberchief [TotalFark]

I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it.

2007-04-11 01:37:15 PM Crystal Girl [TotalFark]

"Grab it. Almost ... you almost got it. Gently now, alright, easy, easy..."

2007-04-11 01:37:18 PM ozone [TotalFark]

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not."

2007-04-11 01:37:38 PM oldfarthenry [TotalFark]

`sex life' and `Star Wars'? Those words just don't fit together.

2007-04-11 01:37:46 PM ICDedPpl [TotalFark]

Wonderful girl. Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her.

2007-04-11 01:37:59 PM Irish15 [TotalFark]

[just a glowing lightsabre waving back and forth in front of the Princess' face]

2007-04-11 01:38:01 PM Manfred Richthofen [TotalFark]

"You are a little short for a stormtrooper."

2007-04-11 01:38:15 PM KarmicHoax [TotalFark]

So... you got your reward and you're just leaving then?

2007-04-11 01:38:47 PM crunchyfist [TotalFark]

do or do not. there is no try.

2007-04-11 01:38:54 PM Squarebobspongepants [TotalFark]

Laugh it up, fuzzball!!

2007-04-11 01:39:02 PM Nabb1 [TotalFark]

Negative. It didn't go in. Just impacted on the surface.

2007-04-11 01:39:24 PM Grandmaster Poopypants [TotalFark]

It didn't go in. Just impacted on the surface.

2007-04-11 01:40:04 PM Uberchief [TotalFark]

Put that thing away, you're gonna get us all killed!

2007-04-11 01:41:08 PM KarmicHoax [TotalFark]

Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.

2007-04-11 01:41:50 PM OyleSylck [TotalFark]

Yub nub!

2007-04-11 01:41:54 PM Dom Roark [TotalFark]

She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.

2007-04-11 01:41:56 PM spacely_sprocket [TotalFark]

Greedo: That's the idea... I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
Han Solo: Yeah, I'll bet you have.
[SFX: Boom!]
Han Solo: Sorry about the mess.

2007-04-11 01:42:14 PM BullsHitter [TotalFark]

Yeah, but this time I've *got* the money.

2007-04-11 01:42:20 PM never odd or even [TotalFark]

I got a problem here.
Eject!
I can hold it.
Pull up!
No, I'm all right... ahhh!

2007-04-11 01:42:23 PM Dragynwing [TotalFark]

lol...has anyone quoted something from the 3 crappy movies?

2007-04-11 01:42:47 PM Number23 [TotalFark]

Impressive.

Most impressive.

2007-04-11 01:43:04 PM byss [TotalFark]

I thought they smelled bad.... on the outside

2007-04-11 01:43:30 PM HaveBlue [TotalFark]

It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your father, are now mine.

2007-04-11 01:45:32 PM EvilEgg [TotalFark]

You're kind is not welcome here.

2007-04-11 01:45:42 PM Stars_At_Night [TotalFark]

I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.

2007-04-11 01:45:43 PM byss [TotalFark]

You don't need to see his identification....

2007-04-11 01:45:48 PM all the good names are gone [TotalFark]

"I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

2007-04-11 01:46:46 PM Thrawn [TotalFark]

"I've got a bad feeling about this"

2007-04-11 01:47:56 PM PleasedToMeetMe [TotalFark]

She's your sister.

2007-04-11 01:48:13 PM unlikely [TotalFark]

Ten thousand? I could almost buy my own ship for that!

That's pretty much where the good ones ran out. Some hilarious stuff. Office roomie and I were rolling for 30 minutes or so.

Damn!

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This post is tagged Star Wars, Empire's worst engineer, nerd, Summarize your sex life Star Wars quote, Something Awful, and Fark

Senior programmer?

2007-01-04T20:03:00.000Z

There are many things that piss me off, and the list gets bigger as I get older. Right up at the top of my list are "Senior Programmers" who just make no effort to figure something out for themselves before asking their coworkers. At my job, these people have been given the name "AS400 fuckers" because they all seem to be AS400(platform) RPG(language) programmers. These guys are old school green screen, dumb terminal, 1970s computing type guys who, like their language and platform, have struggled to stay relevant and up to date with modern technology.

We have a whole mess of these guys here. Normally we just kind of shake our heads and snicker about how they can be completely secure in their careers with titles like "Senior Programmers", despite the fact that they have a hard time using a mouse.

I was discussing a development with me and one of the AS400 fuckers today with my buddy Squid Dog. He thought it was funny enough to write a blog post about, so here goes:

On 1/4/07, Will wrote:

So get this.

In the past year, we've lost 5 guys on our network/PC support team out of a total of 6 at the beginning of the year last year. Two guys quit outright, two more moved to different positions completely in the company, and one guy slid to travelling tech for the auctions and stuff, so he travels around the country doing support crap for the car auctions. Anyhoo, this leaves only one guy to handle all the server and PC stuff here in Nashville, where it used to be split up between 6 guys. This guy is basically just going home to sleep a few hours and then coming back here. He's working at least 12 hours days for 7 days a week. They had a guy helping him, but that guy quit also.

What this has to do with the AS400 fuckers is this... Yesterday was our monthly staff meeting. I sat close to the bossguy, which is fairly normal. In the meeting, bossguy says that since the PC/network guy is working so hard, we should make the effort to not add so much to what he has to do and try to handle as much of our PC problems internal to our department. Since we're pretty smart people as a department, makes sense. Bossguy as an example said that instead of calling the PC/Network guy, maybe see if Will can help. That was AS AN EXAMPLE.

This morning, this one AS400 fucker has called me 5 times. Twice just since I started typing this.

First time he called me to say he couldn't edit a PDF that our corporate office had sent him. I responded that PDFs are a one-way thing, and that it wasn't intended for him to edit and send back like a Word doc. I told him he'd have to print it out, fill out the blanks, and fax it back to them.

Since then, he's emailed me about setting up AOL Instant Messenger on his computer. I responded to him with the www.aim.com site and told him to click the big green button that says "Install Now". He's called me for every single step of the process. First one was that it asked for a screen name to sign on with. He just starts putting in shit, not even thinking that he should have to maybe REGISTER if he's never gotten a screen name and password from AOL. I mean, does he try to do internet banking by just typing in random usernames and passwords? Scratch that, if this guy can figure out how to do internet banking, I'll eat my shoe. Anyway, next time he calls because it says he can use an existing email address and wants to know if he can just use his address here. I'm like no..., they mean that for an existing AOL email address. This fucker's killing me here dude.

Make it six times, now he can't figure out what fields are required on the registration form.

On 1/4/07, Squid Dog wrote:

Hahaha. Man, it's hard to imagine that they have ever touched anything with electronic components in it. That is just awful dude.

On 1/4/07, Will wrote:

The kicker is that he's a "Senior Programmer", and has been here at least 10 years now. As long as I've been here, (started here the first time in 1998), we've never had mainframe dumb terminals or anything like that. As long as I've been here we've had PCs and used Outlook for email, everyone's had internet access, etc. There's no excuse that he's worked in a dumb terminal environment for the past thirty years. This guy is basically like one of those people who has lived in the US for 10 years and can't speak a word of english.

Oh, he called again and I finally went over there. He apparently couldn't read the part that said his screen name had to be letters and numbers only. He was trying to use an underscore. Then, he got signed in and couldn't understand why everyone he knew didn't just automatically pop up there. I guess he thinks there's a magic database out there somewhere floating around with the contact info for everyone and their mother.

Motherfucker just came over again! This time he says that another AS400 fucker only has Yahoo instant messenger, so he can't use his AIM to talk to him. I told him he'd have to register with Yahoo and download their IM client in order to talk to them (his head might have exploded if I had explained Trillian to him). He seemed upset that he'd have to keep more than one window open. I told him that he could close them and it still be going as long as he saw the icon in his systray. That got me a blank stare. I told him it was there his clock was down in the lower right of the taskbar. He didn't seem to grasp that stuff can be running without actually having an active window on the desktop.

I need to go punch bossguy in the nose for mentioning my name instead of someone else's.

On 1/4/07, Squid Dog wrote:

Hahaha. Man, that is all hilarious right there. I love it.

On 1/4/07, Will wrote:

This guy is the reason I even coined a phrase "AS400 fuckers"

On 1/4/07, Squid Dog wrote:

hahaha. I can see that. What a dumbass.

On 1/4/07, Will wrote:

I'm telling ya. It's like they don't realize that as long as you have a computer and internet access you can find out how to do pretty much anything.

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This post is tagged iSeries, AS400, fossils, senior programmer, and AS400 fuckers

Working on my truck

2006-12-09T20:31:00.000Z

OK, so I got an early Christmas present this year, and it was something I really needed. One of my sisters-in-law got me a new dash instrument lens for my 78 Chevy truck. Sweet! Figured I'd do a little post on the installation of the lens. Took me about 20 minutes to complete, and the difference it made was night and day.

Difficulty: easy - pretty much anyone who knows which end of a screwdriver is the business end should be able to handle this one.

Tools: Phillips screwdriver, 1/4" nut driver, and a teeny tiny flathead screwdriver are all you need. I also kept some plastic ziploc baggies around to hold all the extra screws so none of them would disappear.

First, some before pics:

As you can see, it's hard to even tell how many miles are on this poor truck, which had a good 25 years of being used as a company vehicle for a landscaping business before I bought it a few years back.

On to the installation!

Using the Phillips screwdriver, remove all the screws you can see that hold the dash bezel on. I think there's 8 or so, and they're pretty easy to find. Remove the knobs for the radio controls by just pulling them straight out. Also remove the lower steering column cover, which is held on by 4 screws. They're the same size as the others, so don't worry about mixing them up. Here's a pic of the lower steering column cover removed:

CAREFULLY remove the dash bezel from the dash. The only part that took a little finesse was the HVAC vent at the top right of the instrument cluster, which is attached to the dash bezel itself.

This is what you should see once you get the dash bezel removed:

Next, remove the little knob that adjusts the clock by using a tiny little flathead screwdriver.

Once that's done, switch to the 1/4" nut driver to remove the 6 bolts that hold the instrument lens to the gauges. Two on the left, two in the middle, and two on the right are all you need. I put these into my second ziploc bag so I could find them later. Remove the instrument lens, and this is what you should see:

Installation of the new instrument lens is pretty straightforward, there are even guide holes to keep you straight. This is a good time to clean the new instrument lens, since it's out and probably a little dusty. Also try to keep from getting any fingerprints on the new lens over any of a gauges.

Once the lens is in using the 6 bolts, don't forget to reinstall the clock adjuster knob now. I found it was easier to do this part now rather than with the bezel reinstalled, since you have more room in which to work.

Reinstall the dash bezel while keeping in mind that you have to be a bit patient with that upper right HVAC vent. Once it's in place, grab the ziploc baggie with all those screws in it and your Phillips head screwdriver and get to work putting all the screws back in place. I like to not tighten any of the screws down until I get all of them started. Doing that just makes it easier to maneuver around to get the holes to line up correctly, in my opinion. Once you get them all started and the bezel arranged, tighten them down until they're snug. There's no need to really crank down on any of the screws, as doing so can crack your bezel, and those aren't nearly as cheap as the instrument lens.

Lastly, re-install the lower steering column cover and you're done. Here's a couple pics of the finished job:

As you can see, my dash bezel needs a little help. I think down the road I'm gonna go with a billet aluminum cover to go over my dash bezel like this one, from 73-87chevytrucks.com

Anyhoo, you're all finished. Here's a few comparisons between the old instrument lens and the new one. It's amazing how nasty this thing was, and also pretty remarkable how easy it was to put the new one in.

Damn!

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This post is tagged Chevy, Chevrolet, truck, dash, 73, 87, 78, instrument lens, , and how to

Even Seinfeld is pulling this crap?

2006-11-21T14:25:00.000Z

Good morning again, class. Today's chapter is titled "How to Spot a Sneaky-assed Marketing Ploy to Sell your Season 7 DVD", and it's brought to you by the nice folks from the 90s sitcom Seinfeld.

On Friday, November 20th, Michael Richards, the actor who played the character Kramer on Seinfeld, apparently went a bit nuts after being heckled by an audience member during a stand up routine at The Laugh Factory, in West Hollywood, CA.

Here's the clip of that little outburst (from TMZ.com and YouTube):

In case you didn't pick up on it, the guy who was heckling Michael Richards was a black guy. If you didn't catch that, go back and watch it again. Makes way more sense with that tidbit of knowledge.

That sure was ugly to watch, wasn't it? Real ugly.

Now if you watched TV at all over the weekend, you may have noticed there were a zillion commercials for Jerry Seinfeld's appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman on Monday night. I think there was one mention on every commercial break on CBS while I was watching football on Sunday, mixed in with those super-annoying John Mellencamp Chevy truck commercials.

Come Monday night on Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld addressed the situation (wouldn't you know it?) with his old castmate via satellite. Here's a clip of that one:

He's sorry, he's not really racist, he just lost his temper, blah blah blah. Seemed a litte insincere on the "Afro-American" part, though. Whatever. It's over, right? Wrong.

I have noticed a bunch of commercials for the DVD release of Season 7 of Seinfeld here lately. I wonder if this whole thing might be a publicity stunt to keep Seinfeld on the lips of people who just might be interested in a brand new copy of the Seinfeld Season 7 DVD?

Let's break it down:

1.) Michael Richards is the Seinfeld castmember most affected by the Seinfeld curse

The "Seinfeld curse" is a name given to the phenomenon that none of the castmembers of Seinfeld has been able to successfully get anything going after Seinfeld came to an end in 1998. Of all the castmemebers, Michael Richards has been seen the least. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (Elaine) tried out Watching Ellie, did a bit on Arrested Development and is now working on Old Christine. Jason Alexander (George) fired his first shot with Bob Patterson (which didn't last a month) and Listen Up, in which even the stupid-fat-guy-with-an-insanely-hot-wife formula couldn't help it stay on the air. Jerry went on tour with his comedy special I'm Telling You for the Last Time, and has been in a few American Express commercials. Michael Richards, however, had one short-lived sitcom in 2000 called The Michael Richards Show and hasn't been seen since.

If you were going to pick one castmember to take a fall for the show, wouldn't you probably pick Michael Richards?

2.) Doesn't it seem awfully coincidental that Jerry Seinfeld is on Letterman at just the right time to address this whole incident with Michael Richards? Don't they usually schedule these things a while in advance? What an amazing coincidence!

3.) Did you notice how the person who filmed the (planned) outburst has great seats and is able to film the whole thing?

At first I was thinking it was odd that there was a camera there in the first place. It obviously wasn't being taped professionally. Then I remembered camera phones. But what struck me after that is the fact that even though the guy heckling is over on the right of the stage somewhere, the person taping is center stage, a few rows back fron the front. Notice also how the person making the video never shows the black guy in question? You hear him, but you never see him. Again, what an amazing coincidence!

4.) Michael Richards is a 3rd degree Mason

This is true, but I mostly just wanted to make sure you conspiracy guys were still reading.

5.) I've been thinking that racism is the new pseudo-lesbianism or the new batshit-crazyism.

Let's face it, actors and actresses are attention whores. The attention of perfect strangers is what motivates them.

Remember back in the early 90s when you first started seeing girls making out and grinding each other in clubs? A friend at the time told me they did this not because they were gay, but because of the attention guys gave them when they did that.

Same thing with actors/actresses being apparently batshit crazy and outrageous. Tom Cruise has enjoyed a fair amount of publicity since jumping on Oprah's couch. Angelina Jolie got pretty popular after word got out of her weird habits, including walking around with a vial of Billy Bob Thorton's blood in a necklace. Ever notice how a celebrity who's career is faltering suddenly gets a big boost by the sex tape that was "discovered" by a construction worker at their house? How many times have you heard that now? I refuse to believe those people are that crazy. I think it's on purpose.

After Mel Gibson's drunken racist episode a few months back got him in the news so much, maybe that's the new thing that you'll be seeing celebrities doing in the near future. Maybe that's what Michael Richards is trying out now. I hope not.

6.) Actually, another though just occurred to me. What if AOL/Time Warner planned this to try to tank Sony Pictures? AOL/Time Warner owns Castle Rock Entertainment, which originally produced Seinfeld. The Seinfeld Season 7 DVD is being released by Sony Pictures, which is presumably not owned by AOL/Time Warner. Maybe AOL/Time Warner's pissed. The video of the outburst was released exclusively on TMZ.com, which is an AOL/Time Warner website property.

Hmmm, that last one has a ring to it.

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This post is tagged Michael Richards, Seinfeld, AOL, Time Warner, Sony, Castle Rock, David Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld, fake, and racist

Dodge gets the sound wrong again

2006-11-03T03:13:00.000Z

It's like they don't even care. No wonder they're losing money.

Once again, Dodge plays the wrong engine sound in one of their commercials, this time for the new Dodge Nitro (last time it was the Dodge Caliber). You can only assume they're trying to fool people into thinking this car comes with a V8, but again it does not and they are not fooling anyone at all. Check out the video below and listen to the sound right after the guy in the old car (looks like a mid-80s Plymouth Acclaim - by the way) tells the guy in the shiny new Dodge Nitro to "try giving it some gas". You hear the handsome young man rev up an engine that is sooooo not either of the V6 engines that are the only available options in the Nitro.

Dodge Nitro commercial, titled "Jump":

Is that a coincidence? I'm sure Dodge realizes that four and six cylinder engines sound like weed whackers (Nissan/Infiniti V6s are the lone exception) and that the average meathead who would be idiotic enough to buy another big-assed SUV these days gets more excited about the sound of a rumbly V8. Do they not listen to their own cars? Of course they do. They just think you're not smart enough to catch it.

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This post is tagged Dodge, Nitro, commercial, and jump