Was the matrix created by AS400 fuckers?

Earlier one of our "senior programmers" exhibited some thinking that seemed familiar. If you've ever seen the trilogy The Matrix, as most computer nerdy types have, you'll know what I mean when I mention the reasoning of a machine.

The Matrix is run by the machines, which typically adopt an arcane management style that lacks intuition and true understanding. For example, when digging deep into the earth to reach the last human city of Zion, the machines send one killing machine for each man, woman, and child in Zion. Such is the thinking of a machine.

This morning, a "senior programmer" was troubleshooting a problem according to a specific set of steps put forth in a document, and came to a step that required a login. The guy didn't have a login and the guys who wrote the documentation are both out today so he asked a couple people who he thought might know. They didn't, so he walked around to ask every single person in the office. Such is the thinking of a "senior programmer", aka an AS400 fucker.

I got off on a goofy train of thought that started with the similarities between the matrix and AS400s (both UIs are black with green characters, for example). I started an AIM chat with a non-AS400 fucker coworker that turned out to be pretty funny. Names have been changed to protect those involved.

[09:55] me: I think he's going to ask everyone in the building
[09:55] JavaCoworker: hahahahaha!!!
[09:55] me: nice
[09:55] me: it's like the matrix
[09:55] me: he thinks like a machine would
[09:55] JavaCoworker: hahahhahaha
[09:55] JavaCoworker: i almost spat tea all over my desk
[09:55] me: hahaha
[09:55] me: weird thought -
[09:56] me: I wonder if the makers of the matrix made it black with green characters for a reason
[09:56] me: hmmmmm
[09:56] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[09:56] JavaCoworker: maybe
[09:57] JavaCoworker: course, i can't imagine an as400 powering the matrix
[09:57] me: if you think about it, it makes sense
[09:57] me: by all measures except for logical human thinking
[09:57] me: the AS400 outperforms almost every other platform in stuff like CPS
[09:57] me: instructions processed
[09:57] me: junk like that
[09:58] me: so maybe the architect of the matrix read a computer magazine and took that into account
[09:58] me: without incorporating logical human thinking that a billion instructions processed each second
[09:59] me: doesn't count for much if you have to run 15 layers of emulators to get a working application
[09:59] me: hmmmm
[09:59] JavaCoworker: that's good stuff right there
[09:59] me: it totally makes sense
[09:59] me: wow
[10:00] me: this is like something you'd think about if you were stoned or something
[10:00] JavaCoworker: are you stoned?
[10:00] me: pretty sure I'm not
[10:00] me: unless fumes from my truck are narcotic
[10:00] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[10:00] me: possible
[10:00] JavaCoworker: i feel pretty happy after driving the bug
[10:00] JavaCoworker: and it has some pretty potent fumes
[10:00] me: yup
[10:01] me: maybe you're only understanding it because you are stoned
[10:01] JavaCoworker: maybe we're both stoned
[10:02] me: this is going in the blog post, if I make one
[10:02] JavaCoworker: totally
[10:02] JavaCoworker: "was a stoned as400fukker responsible for the matrix?"
[10:02] JavaCoworker: "is the architect a stoned as400fukker?"
[10:02] me: valid questions, after a bit of thought
[10:03] me: unable to balance equations
[10:03] me: lots of glitches
[10:03] me: can't get basic rules like gravity and physics right
[10:03] JavaCoworker: had to use all those fancy words
[10:03] me: yup
[10:04] me: would that make AS400FuckerX and AS400FuckerY agents?
[10:04] JavaCoworker: hmmmm
[10:05] JavaCoworker: maybe like an alpha version
[10:05] JavaCoworker: because i know i could totally take them out
[10:05] me: yeah
[10:05] JavaCoworker: hey!!!!
[10:05] me: one of the less competent ones
[10:05] JavaCoworker: maybe AS400FuckerX's constant blinking is a glitch in an early agent version
[10:05] me: hahahaha
[10:06] me: hey
[10:06] me: maybe FormerAS400FuckerX and FormerAS400FuckerY are like
[10:06] me: the orphans first pulled from the matrix
[10:06] me: just starting to realize what the real world's like
[10:06] JavaCoworker: hmmmmm
[10:08] JavaCoworker: but they keep going back into the matrix
[10:08] me: yeah
[10:08] JavaCoworker: course, i guess all the orphans kept going back too
[10:08] me: maybe they're more like cipher in the first one
[10:08] JavaCoworker: but they went back to defeat it, not to fix it
[10:08] JavaCoworker: maybe
[10:08] me: what about ClosetAS400FuckerZ? (*note - he works in the real world occasionally, but he's awful at both the new stuff and the AS400 fucker stuff. If you look up "passive aggressive" in the dictionary, there would be a picture of ClosetAS400FuckerZ)
[10:08] me: he's evil and deep down inside he wants to go back to the way things used to be
[10:09] me: this is some funny shit
[10:09] JavaCoworker: dude... ClosetAS400FuckerZ is still in the matrix
[10:09] JavaCoworker: he'd never leave
[10:10] me: true
[10:11] JavaCoworker: man... this is awesome
[10:13] me: yup

Was the architect of the matrix actually an AS400 Fucker? That explains a lot.


This post is tagged iSeries, AS400, fossils, senior programmer, the Matrix, the Architect, and AS400 fuckers