Wal-mart's making me confused here lately

I hate going to Wal-mart. I mean, I really hate it. Most times I have to go, I would seriously pay someone to go for me.

When we first bought our house back in 1999, it was on a side of town that didn't have much stuff there. We had to drive pretty far to get to Wal-mart, and it made more sense to go to closer grocery stores.

Then they opened one almost across the street. I'm not kidding. It's probably a quarter mile away from my driveway. There's no way I can not go there now.

Wal-mart's always been cheaper for stuff than the other places, and there is something to be said for being able to buy tires, DVDs, new wife beaters, and orange juice all in the same place and all for less than you'd pay if you drove around to different places. That's how Wal-mart gets you. Unfortunately, this attracts everybody in a 20 miles radius there to buy the same things. Add a nasty reputation for killing companies and undepaying and generally treating it's employees like shit (thereby ensuring you'll get crappy service) have always made me want to avoid that place like the plague. One good thing about living in a place where there's a lot of churchin' going on is that I can usually go get my shopping done on Sunday mornings, even though there's only like, two cashiers working. Even the gas pumps there are crowded by maniacs who will form a line a mile long to save $.03 a gallon in their cars that get 9 MPG anyway. I hate going to Wal-mart. I don't like the company. Something weird's going on there lately, though.

It's like someone died and left the company to their kid who went to grad school at Berkley or something.

First was the story a couple weeks ago about Wal-mart wanting to sell the swirly fluorescent light bulbs to each one of its 100 million customers. That threw me off. I read about it in Fast Company magazine and was shocked at Wal-mart's weird environmental commitment. I shrugged it off to a ploy to get 100 million people to buy a more expensive light bulb at Wal-mart (tree-hugger that I am, I already have these in my house - and have for two years now). Call me a cynic.

Today, I saw an article today where Wal-mart wants to sell generic drugs for $4. The cynic in me thinks that they're doing this for a couple reasons. First is to cut costs for their own healthcare plan (which seriously needs to be expanded upon) by doing their specialty: strongarming their suppliers. Second, I think they're positioning themselves as the place to go for prescription drugs in the eyes of the baby boomers, who will be loading up on drugs as they reach the age of senior citizens. Not that there's really anything wrong with that, I suppose (maybe there won't be a CVS/Eckerd/Walgreens on every single corner lot here in TN - why do they do that, anyway?) - but I have a hard time thinking they're doing it to be socially responsible. I admit that the two don't have to be mutually exclusive, though. That's another one that's hard for folks on my side of the political fence to concede.

I guess I'm finding it weird not to think of Wal-mart as the devil, but maybe some manner of lesser imp or demon.

This post is tagged walmart, Wal Mart, Wal-mart, evil, fluorescent light bulb, cheap drugs and Fast Company

What a tool

In this article the head marketing bunny for CBS actually says "It's all about the outernet".

Outernet? This guy isn't William Gibson. You can't go around making up words that kind of sound like the opposite of a commonly used word like internet. What a tool.

This reminds me of a trip to Vegas a few years back to meet up with some navy buddies. One guy kept commenting on how one of the strippers who had bad teeth "had a mouth like a rake", and then waiting for everyone to bust out laughing. I think he was trying to get that one going, but we weren't having it. On Friday, he got some moderate amusement from us. By the time Sunday rolled around, he got nothing but crickets.

This post is tagged outernet, William Gibson and crickets

Ten sure signs that you are a dork

OK, this post has been in the works for awhile now. I've been compiling a list of things that make you a dork. Everyone is a little dorky, but that's not what we're talking about here. I will grant that there are varying degrees of dorkiness in play out there in the big ol world, but these things will change you from being described as dorky to getting the full fledged dork label. These are mostly things that can be reversed. There are a few unforgivable dork things, though. Those are at the bottom in a Hall of Fame dork list.

On to the list!

Ten Sure Signs You are a Dork

1.) If you buy an article of clothing to wear while driving because the color matches your sports car, you are a dork. Quick story: I used to hang out at a friend's apartment in a pretty rich area. Right downstairs from him was a guy who had a bright yellow Dodge Viper. Pretty cool car. Unfortunately, he wiped out all semblance of cool when he always drive it with a matching yellow cyclist's hat. It's hard to imagine, but there's no way this guy's ever getting laid, and he has a Viper, for chrissake.

2.) If you are 35 years old and shop in the juniors section of the department store, you are a dork. Obviously, this one's for the ladies. Just because you snorted enough cocaine in the 80s to make you a permanent size 2 (and unable to smell), that doesn't mean you should wear those clothes. Trust me, the other women still know how old you are. They can smell that kind of shit miles away.

3.) If you are driving age and still shop at Hot Topic, you are a dork. Hot Topic has made a fortune capitalizing on teenage angst. Ever notice all those kids who look really uncomfortable outdoors? Those are the people Hot Topic are shooting for, not you. Here's a good guideline: If you drove yourself to the mall, you're too old to buy anything from Hot Topic.

4.) If you have a bumper sticker on your car that declares your love for your particular breed of dog or cat, you are a dork. Plain and simple, really. Nobody cares if you love your cocker spaniel.

5.) If you use internet lingo when speaking irl (in real life), you are a dork. There is no pronunciation key for "pwn3d" or "lol" or "roflmao". Don't try to pronounce them. Those are shortcuts for typing, not speaking. For some reason, lots of people out there tend to mesh internet life and actual living. Stop it. They're separate. I could write a whole book here about people who forward endless amounts of emails jokes/"don't break the chain"/boycott gas next Tuesday emails. Also, if you're serious about this whole internet thing, drop the AOL account. Seriously, the rest of us are laughing at you. Lol'ing, as it were.

6.) If you're 40 and you drive a ricer to impress high school girls, you're a dork. This one has a caveat or two, though. A dork immunity clause has to be written here for people who have had fixed up asian cars for most of their adult lives. Can't expect someone to start driving Buicks just because you turned 40. Also, there are those who would argue that you're a dork if you drive a ricer, period. I don't share that opinion. While those cars aren't my cup of tea, you don't get dork status from me for driving one. If you drive one for the express purpose of hitting on girls a decade or so younger than you, then you're a dork.

7.) If you wear t-shirts with lame catchphrases on them, you're a dork. T-shirts are cool. Catchphrases are cool - at least for awhile. It's amazing how combining the two can go so wrong. For example, if you have a shirt with any of the following catchphrases, you're a dork: "Stop reading my shirt", "Ask me, I'm a professional", "My other shirt is a tux", or the all time worst one: "I'm with stupid". That's just wrong.

8.) If you've ever bought clothes for your dog, you're a dork. Dogs have managed to survive for thousands of years wearing only their fur. That cute baby t-shirt or those doggie mittens, or even that goofy-assed hat just make the poor dog wish it could kill itself.

9.) If you wear penny loafers, you're a dork. I'm not the world's youngest guy, but I can't remember when penny loafers were cool. What's worse is that people seem to wear them with shorts, sans socks. Who though of that? Smite that person!

10.) If you smoke and drink at parties because other people do, you're a dork. Not to sound like an afterschool special here, but you know the people I'm talking about. They tend to show up at a party and are always seen with a cigarette held awkwardly between two fingers and a drink. Ironically, these people are trying so hard to be cool that they're dorks.

Hall of Fame Dorks

1.) Guys without kids at car seat age who drive minivans. The minivan is the most emasculating piece of machinery known to man.

2.) Guys who wear shorts with black socks.

3.) Anyone wearing fanny packs.

4.) People wearing pants with the waist way too high.

5.) Self important idiots who write stupid blogs with top 10 lists.

This post is tagged dork, Ten sure signs you are a dork

The Aaron Brooks glitch

OK, I love embedding videos from YouTube into my posts. This isn't an excuse, but it's a very good example of fun to be had on YouTube.

A while back, Bill Simmons had a mention of the Aaron Brooks glitch in european versions of Madden 2007. Apparently in that version, if you hike the ball but aren't playing as the QB, the QB takes a drop and throws the ball like 35 yards behind him. Interesting. Here's the glitch:



Now, the fun part is how it's named. In case you don't know Aaron Brooks, he's now that QB of the Oakland Raiders. He's athletically gifted and seems to be nice enough guy, but he's definitely not known for being incredibly smart. The Madden 2007 glitch is so named because Aaron Brooks once inexplicably got the snap and threw the ball about 10 yards behind himself when he got under pressure. No idea who he could possibly have been throwing the ball to, or even what he was thinking. Here's the video of that one:




Fun, fun fun. Should be fun to watch the Raiders games this year. Anybody think they'll even win one game?


This post is tagged Bill Simmons, Aaron Brooks, Aaron Brooks glitch, and Madden 2007

Danni's blog

OK, it took awhile to convince her, but Danni O'Neill finally caved in to my suggestions and got herself a blog. Took me awhile to set her up with blogger yesterday after work, but I finally got her going.

It's amazing what you forget after 8 months or so, which is how long my blog's been in existence now. More accurately, how long it's been since I established something else that needs more attention than I give it. Funny how at this point in my life not as much changes in 8 months as used to change. I'm still happily married, my kid's getting older, I still have the same job and live in the same city, even the same house. Do you guys remember when it seemed your life had a huge change every other week? It was like that for me in the navy. I was always moving to a new city, visiting another country (which isn't as exciting as it sounds - basically just changed the kind of beer we sat at bars and drank), deciding on my future, etc. It just always seemed like something was going on. Even when I got out it was like that. In 8 months, someone would gain like, 50 lbs, or someone would get married and divorced, or I would go through another 3 jobs.

I guess I reached where I was gong all those years. That's weird. Have I peaked at (almost) 34? I don't feel unfulfilled at all. I feel pretty content, actually. I accomplished more than I realistically planned. I'm obviously not a rock star or billionaire, but I didn't seriously think that would happen anyway. I mean, I have the same long term goals now that I had a few years back, but those will be accomplished with time as long as I don't screw anything up.

This is a really weird feeling. I don't know if I should be happy or depressed.

This post is tagged Danni O'Neill, blogger, blog, and uneasy feeling

Congrats go out to my sister

My sister has just added her fourth kid to her growing clan. Newest was 7 lbs, 3oz and was 19.5 inches long. This one is a girl which puts the count at two boys, two girls.

Congrats!

Funniest music video....EVAR!

Yes, I've seen Journey's Separate Ways video. This one is funnier.

Holy shit our parents were weird.



This post is tagged Apache, Separate Ways, funniest music video ever, and disco