Ten sure signs that you are a dork

OK, this post has been in the works for awhile now. I've been compiling a list of things that make you a dork. Everyone is a little dorky, but that's not what we're talking about here. I will grant that there are varying degrees of dorkiness in play out there in the big ol world, but these things will change you from being described as dorky to getting the full fledged dork label. These are mostly things that can be reversed. There are a few unforgivable dork things, though. Those are at the bottom in a Hall of Fame dork list.

On to the list!

Ten Sure Signs You are a Dork

1.) If you buy an article of clothing to wear while driving because the color matches your sports car, you are a dork. Quick story: I used to hang out at a friend's apartment in a pretty rich area. Right downstairs from him was a guy who had a bright yellow Dodge Viper. Pretty cool car. Unfortunately, he wiped out all semblance of cool when he always drive it with a matching yellow cyclist's hat. It's hard to imagine, but there's no way this guy's ever getting laid, and he has a Viper, for chrissake.

2.) If you are 35 years old and shop in the juniors section of the department store, you are a dork. Obviously, this one's for the ladies. Just because you snorted enough cocaine in the 80s to make you a permanent size 2 (and unable to smell), that doesn't mean you should wear those clothes. Trust me, the other women still know how old you are. They can smell that kind of shit miles away.

3.) If you are driving age and still shop at Hot Topic, you are a dork. Hot Topic has made a fortune capitalizing on teenage angst. Ever notice all those kids who look really uncomfortable outdoors? Those are the people Hot Topic are shooting for, not you. Here's a good guideline: If you drove yourself to the mall, you're too old to buy anything from Hot Topic.

4.) If you have a bumper sticker on your car that declares your love for your particular breed of dog or cat, you are a dork. Plain and simple, really. Nobody cares if you love your cocker spaniel.

5.) If you use internet lingo when speaking irl (in real life), you are a dork. There is no pronunciation key for "pwn3d" or "lol" or "roflmao". Don't try to pronounce them. Those are shortcuts for typing, not speaking. For some reason, lots of people out there tend to mesh internet life and actual living. Stop it. They're separate. I could write a whole book here about people who forward endless amounts of emails jokes/"don't break the chain"/boycott gas next Tuesday emails. Also, if you're serious about this whole internet thing, drop the AOL account. Seriously, the rest of us are laughing at you. Lol'ing, as it were.

6.) If you're 40 and you drive a ricer to impress high school girls, you're a dork. This one has a caveat or two, though. A dork immunity clause has to be written here for people who have had fixed up asian cars for most of their adult lives. Can't expect someone to start driving Buicks just because you turned 40. Also, there are those who would argue that you're a dork if you drive a ricer, period. I don't share that opinion. While those cars aren't my cup of tea, you don't get dork status from me for driving one. If you drive one for the express purpose of hitting on girls a decade or so younger than you, then you're a dork.

7.) If you wear t-shirts with lame catchphrases on them, you're a dork. T-shirts are cool. Catchphrases are cool - at least for awhile. It's amazing how combining the two can go so wrong. For example, if you have a shirt with any of the following catchphrases, you're a dork: "Stop reading my shirt", "Ask me, I'm a professional", "My other shirt is a tux", or the all time worst one: "I'm with stupid". That's just wrong.

8.) If you've ever bought clothes for your dog, you're a dork. Dogs have managed to survive for thousands of years wearing only their fur. That cute baby t-shirt or those doggie mittens, or even that goofy-assed hat just make the poor dog wish it could kill itself.

9.) If you wear penny loafers, you're a dork. I'm not the world's youngest guy, but I can't remember when penny loafers were cool. What's worse is that people seem to wear them with shorts, sans socks. Who though of that? Smite that person!

10.) If you smoke and drink at parties because other people do, you're a dork. Not to sound like an afterschool special here, but you know the people I'm talking about. They tend to show up at a party and are always seen with a cigarette held awkwardly between two fingers and a drink. Ironically, these people are trying so hard to be cool that they're dorks.

Hall of Fame Dorks

1.) Guys without kids at car seat age who drive minivans. The minivan is the most emasculating piece of machinery known to man.

2.) Guys who wear shorts with black socks.

3.) Anyone wearing fanny packs.

4.) People wearing pants with the waist way too high.

5.) Self important idiots who write stupid blogs with top 10 lists.

This post is tagged dork, Ten sure signs you are a dork